nedrag s'legnA remmuS

Erm... I'm so sorry...

2007-01-05T18:58:00.000+08:00

Erm.. I tempted to MSN someone whom I've hurt...
Someone whom might be still angry with me...
Someone whom once bring lots of joy & laughter into my life...
Someone whom I think we can talk again like what we used to do in the past...
Someone whom once entered into my life & painted part of the picture...
Someone whom know that I'm talking non-sense, yet still listen to me...
Someone whom accept me as who I am...
Someone whom forgiven me for my silly act in the past...
Someone whom gave me courages & supports...
Someone whom encourages me to be myself...
Someone whom teaches me a lot of things...
Someone...
Someone...

Ichy fingers... Click on the ID so many times...
But I dare not send out anything...
I think both of us are not ready...

Really want to let you know what's going on in my life...
Got lots of things to share with you, my dear friend...
But I know this might not be the right time for me to talk to you...
Unless you're ready...

So, dear friend, just be who you are...
I'm always there to support you with prayers...

O ya... I'm the one who suppose to say sorry... But turned up I'm sound like... ...
Sorry, dear... If I've ever offended you... (Yes, I did...)
When you're ready to talk to me, call me la... Or MSN me...

I'm not the worm in your tummy, I do not know what's in your mind...
So, please please please let me know ya... ;)

Sweety Pie...
=)

Flash back -2006 / + 2007 Things to come

2007-01-05T18:26:00.000+08:00

Don't reall have any special highlights for 2006...
Erm... Started with a smile =)
Ended with a different kind of smile =) (Haha... Stupid Claire!)

Kids... =P My little sons & daughters... My little bfs & princess...

Didn't get to carry out my backpack life during my birthday...
O ya... Old people like me, don't really take birthday as a big day anymore...
Cos' I used to forget bout other people's birthday, same goes the other way...
Fair & square...
O ya... Spent my birthday in Ah Sharz's place... Sweet... =)

Erm... Spent more time with Eileen throughout the year... Which is good... =)

Erm... Pei left to KL for study... =(
No one to fight with me anymore... (Erm... Still fighting when she's back here... =P)
Her relationship with papa has improved... Praise God! =)

Get to see my coll's friends this year... More than once... =)
Joey was back to town... =P
Went out together with Ngoh & Boon during Christmas season... =)

Felt super stress... (Forget about that...)

Heard his voice... Erm... Listen & action are 2 different thing...
Erm... Very hard tho... =P
But still need to learn... Really thank Him for His grace... =)

Erm... I really enjoy my time in Vietnam... =)
Eye opener... Experienced something different... =)
Lots of fun... =P

Lots of good things happen which I wish I'm able to stop the time...
To hold on to that moment... But I have to move on... =)

Erm... Blur time? Yup... All the while... Cos' I'm blur... =P

O ya... I can drink back my nice coffee d... =)
No more "effects-after-coffee"...
Isn't that great?

... ...

Life is like a dream...
Sometimes you've dream of something nice, which you don't feel like getting up from your bed...
Sometimes you've a nightmare, which makes you dare not close your eyes or go to bed...
No matter what, give thanks in every situation... Knowing that my Daddy is always by my side... =)

O ya... I've made a lot of new friends during this year...
Erm... Found out that there's a lot of interesting people in this world... =P

Erm... Got a few new members in m "Teddy World" - PinkaJol, 宝贝, ErnErn... ...

Erm... And now the world shall say to me, "Welcome to ME... (A replacement of "my world")"

New working place...
New resolutions...
New environment...
New goals...
New lifestyle?? (Might be... I want to go jogging...)
New hairstyle?? (Still pending...)
New expectation for myself...
... ...
& a new heart for God... =)

It's Your Turn, Claire... You're Farewell Lunch

2007-01-05T17:56:00.000+08:00

Having farewell lunch from the kindy staff & church staff today...
Erm... An ordinary lunch, just slightly different from the other staff, cos we're not having it in the palm spring, but in 747 @ YMCA...

Erm.. Don't know what to say... Maybe b'cos I was prepared to go when I first join the organisation.
Remembered my famous words, "This world is not my home..."
I used to tell myself... I cannot be too attatch to any one, cos' I'll be leaving in future...
Used to keep my desk very "pro-office". Dare not put on any personal stuff & deco... (But at last I fail... Cos' it's so not me...)
- I like cute n nice stuff... =P

Leaving... It's not really that scary... Compare with seperation... That's more scary...

I didn't feel anything til we finished our makan...
Air-time... Nobody says anything...
Most of them command on my smile... =)
You're right... =)
Actually, most of the time, i don't know what to say, n I don't know what to do...
The only thing I can do is to =)

Aunty Alfie command on the children that gave me "love letters", hugs n kisses... =)
I really missed that... ='(
I missed the time I spent with the kids... The time when I can lower down my level & ask them "How are you? Why you never smile at me? Where's my hug? Say bye bye to daddy / mummy..."
The time that I ask them, "What happen to you? Why you do this? Are you ok? Can you tell me what's going on? Bla bla bla... ..."
(Lousy counseling teacher... Cheong hei - Canto)

Hold on to my tears, cos I told myself, no matter what, I'm not allow to cry... Tears cannot solve everything...

Lost of flash back...

Thank God. If we're having the lunch in Palm Spring... I don't think I'm able to go back to my office...
I might just break down and cry... =S
Lots of memory...

My eyes were watery during Aunt Alfie's "speech"...
Almost drop m tears when Pr. Jessilyn prayed for me...
I thought I'll cry during my way back to my new office...
But... "Brave Claire, you didn't drop a tear..." That's the command I gave...

Nothing is too big which I can't handle... Nope... I mean which God cannot handle...
So, I praise Him for that... =)

Looking back... I've been keeping up my promises to him, staying in where he'd placed me... Fulfilling our contract - 2 years...
It's amazing... I thought I'll never get it done...

Daddy, thank you for bringing me through all these while...
Please continue to hold m hands and never let me go no matter what I'll face in future... =)

New Chapter

2006-11-22T20:14:00.000+08:00

Exciting chapter of life, yet lots of new stuff need to face...
Don't worry, I'll be fine..
I know that you're always there with me, holding my hands through...
Thanks...
Let us face it together...
Though I'm still learning...
In respond to you, I'll give myself to you with trust...
Knowing that it'll be fine.

Love you too...

=)

November 11, 2006

2006-11-11T12:29:00.000+08:00

The Supreme Climb

He said, ’Take now your son . . .’ —Genesis 22:2

God’s command is, "Take now," not later. It is incredible how we debate! We know something is right, but we try to find excuses for not doing it immediately. If we are to climb to the height God reveals, it can never be done later— it must be done now. And the sacrifice must be worked through our will before we actually perform it.

"So Abraham rose early in the morning . . . and went to the place of which God had told him" ( Genesis 22:3 ). Oh, the wonderful simplicity of Abraham! When God spoke, he did not "confer with flesh and blood" ( Galatians 1:16 ). Beware when you want to "confer with flesh and blood" or even your own thoughts, insights, or understandings— anything that is not based on your personal relationship with God. These are all things that compete with and hinder obedience to God.

Abraham did not choose what the sacrifice would be. Always guard against self-chosen service for God. Self-sacrifice may be a disease that impairs your service. If God has made your cup sweet, drink it with grace; or even if He has made it bitter, drink it in communion with Him. If the providential will of God means a hard and difficult time for you, go through it. But never decide the place of your own martyrdom, as if to say, "I will only go to there, but no farther." God chose the test for Abraham, and Abraham neither delayed nor protested, but steadily obeyed. If you are not living in touch with God, it is easy to blame Him or pass judgment on Him. You must go through the trial before you have any right to pronounce a verdict, because by going through the trial you learn to know God better.

God is working in us to reach His highest goals until His purpose and our purpose become one.

November 10, 2006

2006-11-11T12:16:00.000+08:00

Fellowship in the Gospel

. . . fellow laborer in the gospel of Christ . . . —1 Thessalonians 3:2

After sanctification, it is difficult to state what your purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, "God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God’s interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.

I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say, "Lord, this causes me such heartache." To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy "world within the world," and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being "frost-bitten."

The Pending Story

2006-09-03T18:24:00.000+08:00

Feel so lousy...
Things didn’t turn out my way
Thought that I’ll be enjoying b’cos of the crowd
But I’m not in reality

Feel so unfair...
Things do not seem to be good
It’s not my fault
But why would you want to accuse me?

Feel so down...
You’ve spoilt my day
It’s not that I don’t want to do so
But it’s them who don’t want to follow...

Feel so upset...
It just fades after some time...
Memories had been locked in the deepest part in my heart
Til the day you recall it once again

Feel so depressed...
We’re going to depart to another destination...
Am I prepared to go now?
Or still doubting and say, "No, I want to stay longer..."

Though I do not seem to be in good condition...
But I feel so blessed... This is what I can say...
Cos the sun will always be there, the rainbow will be out after the rain...
It won’t be a rainy day all the time...

This is what I can cling on to
Even though it’s a small part of the faith seed, sowed by you...
Moving on, having this promise you’ve given to me...
You, who had begun the work, will make it complete until the day we meet...
(Weird sentence... Haha... But you know, I know... Understood... )

只想对你说...

2006-08-13T18:09:00.000+08:00

复杂的心情
象征我们那剪不断,理还乱的感情
明明一心向着你
却又选择背叛了你

一次又一次的伤害你
在你面前始终不敢正视你
哭泣是我无助的讯号

愧疚侵入我心
没有你的我,只是一根没有光的蜡烛
立志放下自我
再次回到你的身边

却没有勇气面对
那存在于两个不同世界的我

挣扎害怕软弱逃避期待
我不晓得

想起我俩当初的承诺
为你而活的目标...

我想为你而活单单为你而活

暧昧

2006-08-13T18:08:00.000+08:00

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情还得不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景

到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还是你
我很不服气也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽
停在这里

One of God’s Great "Don’ts"

2006-07-04T15:21:00.000+08:00

Do not fret— it only causes harm —Psalm 37:8Do not fret— it only causes harm —Psalm 37:8

Fretting means getting ourselves "out of joint" mentally or spiritually. It is one thing to say, "Do not fret," but something very different to have such a nature that you find yourself unable to fret. It’s easy to say, "Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him" ( Psalm 37:7 ) until our own little world is turned upside down and we are forced to live in confusion and agony like so many other people. Is it possible to "rest in the Lord" then? If this "Do not" doesn’t work there, then it will not work anywhere. This "Do not" must work during our days of difficulty and uncertainty, as well as our peaceful days, or it will never work. And if it will not work in your particular case, it will not work for anyone else. Resting in the Lord is not dependent on your external circumstances at all, but on your relationship with God Himself.

Worrying always results in sin. We tend to think that a little anxiety and worry are simply an indication of how wise we really are, yet it is actually a much better indication of just how wicked we are. Fretting rises from our determination to have our own way. Our Lord never worried and was never anxious, because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God’s plans. Fretting is wickedness for a child of God.

Have you been propping up that foolish soul of yours with the idea that your circumstances are too much for God to handle? Set all your opinions and speculations aside and "abide under the shadow of the Almighty" ( Psalm 91:1 ). Deliberately tell God that you will not fret about whatever concerns you. All our fretting and worrying is caused by planning without God.

My Love Languages

2006-06-15T16:08:00.000+08:00

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Quality Time
with a secondary love language being
Acts of Service.

Complete set of results

Quality Time:		10
Acts of Service:		6
Physical Touch:		6
Words of Affirmation:		5
Receiving Gifts:		3

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

PinkaJol

2006-04-09T17:11:00.000+08:00

PinkaJol
A lovely bear
By a friend
Whom I cherished the time we spent

PinkaJol
Memories rise
The time we spent
The non sense we had

PinkaJol
Two strangers
Drawn together
Some unspeakable reason
And we are here

PinkaJol
Time for confession
Reminds me of
All my selfishness

PinkaJol
Sense of separation
Yet joy overflows
With bright expectation
Of your future

PinkaJol
Carry our Lord's favour
Have my blessing with you
From now til the time we meet again...

p/s: If you're smart enough, you should know who you are
And also who's PinkaJol... =P

I give up because I really really love YOU!!!

2006-02-21T18:08:00.000+08:00

Everything remains the same... The only difference is my heart...
Crying… Can’t you see it?
Hurt cause of my pride and over self-protective...
I’d gone through times without you...
I believe I’m able to make it this time as well...
Sorry for hurting you as well...
But this should be the best step in order to hurting you more as well as me...
Time for me to grow and to say “Bye-bye” to my immature...
Who knows in future I might be an angle that shines your life...
Sorry… I didn’t tell you honestly...
I really like you… Really really like you...
I cried because I don’t know how to express myself saying something against my feeling deep in me...
Genuinely I really want to be good n close friend with you...

I give up because I really really love YOU!!! I know I’ll get a big hug and a smile that shows “I’m proud of you,” when I meet you one day... =)

Ling, you’re right… I can’t be so selfish...
Thanks for being there for all these while...
Thanks for the laughter, sorrow, shoulder, songs n the initiative of taking the first step...
I got no regard of knowing you and having you as my friend...
Wider skies, bigger space... And more adventures for us to go for...
Go ahead… With my blessing...
And I’ll carry your blessing along with me too...

=)

Voice that's Calling this Small Little Coral

2006-01-14T14:27:00.000+08:00

Choose to run away from you
Choose to hide myself from you
Choose not to think about you
But you never choose to leave me alone

Try to find myself excuses
Try to drown myself with works
Try to blind myself with other things
Which I think they’re better for me in this stage

I can’t deny you’re right
I can’t deny that it’s you
I can’t deny that’s your voice
Calling my name right now

Put away all my fears
Put away all my doubts
Put away all understanding that I have
Just rely on the power that you gave

Incomplete that’s me
Only you can make it whole
How foolish I am
Just to let go your sovereign hands

I though it’s the best
I though I’m in plan
Your hands they lead me there
Into your plan that I never been there

Shouldn’t I run
That’s what I know
Take a step further
That’s what I’m not sure

Your voice and your angels
They’re just right there
Waiting for a little answer
From this fear little coral...

Calmness I come
Quite myself before you
Response with no idea
Of what it’s going to be

“Here I am! Send me!!”

Strawberry~~~

2006-01-11T13:36:00.000+08:00

Strawberry... Sweet... I suppose...
Provided it’s been pluck out from the plant at the correct timing...

If it’s pluck out too early, at the premature stage...
It’ll taste sour...
Some even don’t taste like strawberry at all...

If you think that the longer you left it on the plant, it might taste sweeter...
But unfortunately, you’re not 100% right...
At the early stage, it may taste very sweet...
But if it’s too ripe... It’ll be tasteless...
Or maybe bitter...

Erm... Strawberry pluck at the wrong timing... Just like our life...
Our impatience rushes us to get into something that we longed for...
But normally it may not turn up to be what we aspect in the first place...

Some people rushing to get into “relationship”...
Ya… Taste sweet… At the beginning...
But how long will this feeling last?
A few months? A few years? Or? Will it be long lasting?

Never get yourself rushing into something you’re not sure of...
Romance is not all over the place...
Don’t assume that it’s the demand of life or an accessory...
It’s not long lasting and forever same...

But when the time comes, you’ll understand how a strawberry lover felt when he comes to the strawberry farm... You’ll just feel like staying there all days long...
When will that feeling stop? Depends on when the owner wants you to go off…

When the time is right, even just a short moment spending together doing something simple...
It may not seem special to others, but only both of you know what’s going on...
Just a smile... It’s enough to tell how much you appreciate one another...

Anyway, I just like to eat strawberry... Provided it’s sweet...
The sweetest strawberry has to pluck at the correct timing with love, prayers & cares over it... =P

A Special Time of A Girl & A Starfish

2005-12-22T11:03:00.000+08:00

You only move when you feel you like it
Never ever though of the one who're waiting for you all the while
She spent times... But you stay the same...

When she finally give up... The miracle comes...
You start to move your little feet...
Moving towards her...
Get close to her...
And even give her an ocean smile...

She felt so touch... She thought it's all in her dream...
She smile & thank God for this wonderful day...
& hope that this day never end...

But you... Why are you so cruel?
It's just the beginning of the ocean touch, but you choose to run away?
She doesn’t understand...
She feels hurt... Disappointed...
She doubted...

But you are still moving backward... Until you touch the other end...
Start touching the wall...
Blur & blank are what come to her mind...
Y?? What going on?? What are you trying to do??
She asked...

Later... You stand with your own feet...
Trying hard to stand up by your own...
No longer doubting... She starts to cheer for you...

How wonderful it is when I have you by my side to go through this special moment with me...
You said to her...

Now she realized...
Never give up on you... & be patient to you...
She can't read your mind...
But she knows she'll never be the same...
Cause she have you in her life...

The story doesn't end... Til you meet your master...
That'll be a new chapter in your life...

Though she'll try hard to let you go...
But she'll be glad & share your joy with you...

=)

Bad Day!! Lousy Day!! Funny Day!!

2005-12-01T11:46:00.000+08:00

A day started with some balance of "beh-siok" from last night
With uncomfortable feeling in heart
With an insecure relationship with Him
With some silly arguments with the one I trust
With some merajuk

With that the second part of my day will be brighter...

Hope that "time off" will make me feel better...
At least I can pampered myself with some junks & material satisfaction

Funny things... Unexpected things... Fears & blank...
Make me feel so helpless & lost...

Finally, I manage to make up my mind...
Manage to reach my "bi fong gang"
Manage to settle down...
Everything will be alright... This is what I think

It's not over yet... The moody virus spread...
Antibiotic is not working...

The darkness behind the light...

Raining day...
Ya... It's because of the rain...
Raining day makes people feel "down"...
Hope that it'll wash away all the lousy stuff...
It will...

...

The worst part is... On the way home... Stuck in the flood...
Yacks... Dirty water... Smelly water... Bad... Bad...
Though that all my things will be gone because of that...

Anyway, I realized that even in this "special" day... I still got 1 thing something that I 'm thankful for...
I'm safed, I manage to get something nice, My books & notes are not wet at all...

Over all it's not that bad...
(Ya... Cos' you only write it down on the next day...
That day you weren’t thinking it this way...)

=P

Flute!!!

2005-11-22T02:59:00.000+08:00

I want my flute!!! I miss my flute!!! I still want to play for You!!! When can I get it?? I really really cannot tahan d...
I miss my flute... I got lots of new songs which I have not play for You before...
I really really really "desperate" for a flute!!!
My pretty flute!!!

Sob* Sob*

I really cannot picture a flutist without having a flute... A flutist but have not touch a flute for "years"...

Sob* Sob*

A Pure Heart!!!

2005-11-22T01:34:00.000+08:00

Wow... I was having a "long" talk on the phone with a friend yesterday...
It's nice to talk with you, dear...
But this morning get some scolding from my mi... =P
Haha... Actually it reminds me bout the time I used to share with the Ah-Kong's Family Member & also during college time...
Shirlyn, Alvin, Kar Tatt, all the cucu-cici, KJ, Joey, Bryan, Ah Ngoh... Where are u guys???
Really miss you all la...

Out of topic...

This morning... During my Morning Talk session, this song came into my mind when I was talking to Him...
Here goes the song~

A pure heart that's what I longed for
A heart that follows hard after Thee
A pure heart that's what I longed for
A heart that follows hard after Thee...

A heart that hides Your Words
So that sin will not come in
A heart that's undivided
But once You rule & reign...

A heart that sees compassion
That pleases You, My Lord
A sweet aroma of worship
That rises to Your Throne...

It really touches my heart... A heart that's pure & right before Him...
The song seems quite simple... But every time when I sing it, some how the words will become living... & I believe this is what CB mentioned...

Ya... It's true! A pure heart... A heart without any selfish motives, but only wants to seek Him & to glorify His Name...

Hopefully every one of us can work this out, one day... Cos' we're still learning... But I can see that in you, dear... Hopefully our dear friend can realize it one day... =)

Finally!!!

2005-11-10T18:34:00.000+08:00

Finally!!! I got my new bike d...
It's quite cool...
Yeah... It's blue...

Finally!!! I got my hair straighten d...
Feel cool...
Erm... =)

Finally!!! I found out that we are not suitable for one another...
Then we broke up… The feeling has gone...
(That's what S told me… The sad ending of the story of a sweetie pie & a turtle...)

Finally!!! He got his new phone which makes me feel so jealous bout him...
But I got something much more expensive than his phone...
Haha... =P

Finally!!! Their broken relationship has been healed...
They become goodie brother once again...
I can get to see your dear brother & his family more often...
And he's here with his family in Penang more frequent...
I can talk to him with a smile on my face...

Finally!!! I've loose hope on you & I've learnt how to let you go & set you free...
Go, darling... Fly up high in the sky...
You can find another place which you belong to...

Finally!!! I touch a kitten...
The wall has been broken after so many years...
The fear has gone...

Finally!!! Finally!!! Finally!!!
When's your finally?
When will you take up your courage & take the first step?
When will you make up your mind?
When? When?

I don't know...

Mixed! Mixed! Mixed!!! All Mixed together...

2005-11-10T02:01:00.000+08:00

Too many things come at the same time d...
Can't accept it...
Should I feel happy? Thankful? Or =(
Ya... I think I should...
But I =S at the same time...
Dunno what to do...

I've been cheated you for the past few months...
But why do you still treat me that good?
I'm not worth of your effort & time...
You can spend all these on other people's life... Those people who know how to appreciate & those who know how to love you...

Why? Why?
No!!! Please don't come so close...
Though I would like to... But you'll get to see the other side of me...
The unknown side, the dark side of me...
It'll hurt you even more... I'm sure you won't feel nice after you get to know the wild me...
I'm not up to your expectation... I'm going forward towards the vase type of people...
I'm just a grasp of ashes from the ground as what my name means...
I'm nothing over all...

The closer you come to me... The more unworthy part of me revealed...

Just like a small little ant in a black box... When it first saw the light after been captivated in the box for quite some time... Trying to hide itself from the light...

Just like the man in that show... He realized that all he did all these while was just something foolish... All the efforts he pays do not help him to maintain what he owes... He feels sorry... He feels lost... Feel unfair... Feel... Feel like going to be crazy soon.... Searching for a way to set himself free... Walking towards to his favorite mountain... Standing alone on the top of the mountain... Step by step walking towards the edge of the peak & look down to the valley... Asking the valley... Hope that there will be an answer or miracle he can find... Hope that he will get some feed back from the valley...

You said you'll never leave me... You always by my side... You'll go through every single step of my life with me...
I felt touch at that very moment... I cried...

But now... When I think of that... Even though I know you won't simply give promises... But somehow... I just feel...

No!!! Please... Let me go... Please...
No!!! Don't let go of your hand... Please...

I cried...

I ask myself do I still love you as what I used to?
Do I still trust in you as what I'm supposing to?

I know there's a war within my heart...
A battle of black & white...

Remember one of our dear friend's favorite song? The two Kings?
Now I can understand what does the lyric mean... And how important you are... to me...

=)

Month of Farewell?

2005-10-19T20:12:00.000+08:00

Bye to my corner...
Bye to my comfort zone...
Bye to my second me...
Bye to my old & faithful one...

But if not b'cos of all of you are leaving,
I won't get to enjoy what I'm going to receive...

Though, it's a bit sad...
But I really thank you for helping me through & growing along with me...

Really love ya... & looking forward to what is coming up soon...

=P

I Thank You...

2005-10-15T10:46:00.000+08:00

I thank YOU
Not too soon, not too late...
Just on time... YOU gave

I thank YOU
Not too much, not too less...
Just enough for me... YOU shared

I thank YOU
Not too bright, not too dark...
At the right moment... YOU showed

I thank YOU
Though I'm blur, but YOU care...
In YOUR hands... I'm saved

I thank YOU...

Time For Me To Say "Bye-bye" To My Sweet Home...

2005-10-12T17:03:00.000+08:00

Settled down, get used to it...
Even assumed that it's my territory... =P
But chances not always open to you...

Take it, or leave it...
Either you accept it, or other people will come to take it over...

So... What I can say is...

Some people take a day to make a decision.
Some people take two days to decide.
Some people, one day...
Some, a month...

And me?
6 1/2 months but still cannot make the decision.

So finally, I no need to make the decision any more.
Cos' the answer to my question is:

"Claire Chan, no need already..."
"I'm testing you whether you really mean what you say or not. Since you didn't take any action, I'll decide for you."
"You've choose not to reply me, then I choose to take it away from you for now." (Thank God, not forever…)
"Though you may not understand why am I doing these to you, but trust in me. For sure, I have a better plan for you..."

So, you may ask, "How do you feel? Sad? Disappointed? Or?"

Honestly, I have no answer to that...

I'm lost? Maybe... But now my path is clearer... At lease I can focus more in what I have in hands...

Sad? "This world is not my home..." I had prepared for this moment, but I didn't expect it to come so "late".

Disappointed? If I say "No," tonight I'll have to spend more time to pray...

Surprised? Yup...

Anyway... I'm happy that there will be someone else who is much better than me to continue the task...
I'm glad that she came...
Finally... I think this is the best timing…

So now, eventually I can fulfill my promise & also take a break to KL to visit my dear friend & my god-daughter...

=)

If only you know my YOU...

2005-10-04T21:24:00.000+08:00

I saw an accident when you just left to your school that day...

Makes me feel worry bout you.
Do you reach school safely?
Am I over worried?
Now I realized you had already stepped into my life...

Accident
Death came into my mind
When I hear of this name...

My dear friend
Where are you now?
Our last word was a "Bye"...
And that's the end...

I still got lots of things lot tell you...
Lots of things to show you...
Lots of stories to share with you...
But our story ends in a drizzling Friday evening...

I was shocked, when I listen bout that news...
I can't believe that's you...
Trying to run away, til they announce it during assembly...
My tears can't stay... They just dropped like a waterfall...

Guilt visited
Standing in front of my door, knocking...
And I... Just allowed it to stay...

Til I realized of the power of YOUR Saving Grace...
As I get to know YOU more & more each day...
Our story is not an end
But a beginning of my life with YOU

Keep pushing me forward
Learn to appreciate every breathe that I have...
Not to be selfish with what YOU have given to me...

You become a history...
& will stay in my memory forever...

You are you as in now...
Whom I really thank you for being part of my life...

& YOU are my past, present, future & forever...
Whom I’ll cling myself to YOU & never let YOU go...

Special dedicated to you:
"No more pain
No more sorrow
Peace I leave with you"

If only you know my YOU...

Renovation (Part 2)

2005-09-14T16:54:00.000+08:00

This day, my constructor told me that there's a corner in my room which need cover up with some decoration in order to bring out the design...
At first I feel ok... Cos I never though about my personal corner...
Later on I realize that that's my corner...

No... No.... No!!!

Don't touch it!!!

Can you just leave it as it is? That's my corner...

There's where I cry, I hide myself, I talk to my friends on the phone, I talk to Him, I write my stuff...

There's where I get my inspirations...

Why? Why? Can you just take another side?
Please don't put any thing on it... Please do not hide it...

I cried... Struggled... Felt hear broken...

But what to do? It's time to make some changes... I can't hold on to the old things, and wish that my room will look exactly like what it is in the plan...
I really like that corner...
But I might have to say bye bye to it in order to get something more interesting...
The corner is always there... But the difference is the "NEW" corner will be added on with something new...

So, can I have a mini celebration with my corner to flesh back what it has contributed to me before we say our farewell? I'll definitely miss it...
Sigh...

Renovation (Part 1)

2005-09-09T00:53:00.000+08:00

Renovation…

I’ve been asking my dad to redesign my room since a few years back. Recently he told me that now is the time for renovation.
I was quite surprised and happy… I wonder…
I do not know why I have to wait until so long… Some of my friends they get to be involved in designing their rooms in a much early age… I guess, maybe now I’m more stable due to knowing what I want & what I like…

One night while I was on my way home with him, we had a chat.
He reminded me of one of my biggest wish when I was young...

“Daddy, Daddy, Can I have a room please? Can I have my own room?”

“I want a big room with a big bed and lots of pillows… And also lots of teddy bears… With lots of books, with some flowers, with some photo frames which contain all my favorites photos...

“Daddy, I can I put the white piano there? Can I play for you your favorite songs?

“Daddy, I want to put my sea shells and star fish and all my collection...

“Daddy, can I let Puppy sleep inside my room with me?

“Daddy, Daddy...”

We have a good chat about that while looking back to what I want when I was young… =)
Even though, I feel that this dream won't come true... It's just a chat... The renovtion thing is just a draft idea...

After that day, he started to bring some constructors to my house… Shocking! I was...
As you know, my dad is a great designer which I’m proud of him and a man of wisdom…
Besides, due to his experiences... He knows where to get the best constructors and the best furniture for me…

... ...

I’m thankful for having such a wonderful and talented dad… =)

O, yah… I was talking bout the constructors…
I just realized something, even though we are consumers, but we still need to look at their “face”…
I almost fight with one of them… Sob…
By right, I have to thank him. If it’s not because of him, I won’t realize that I always want things to be done in my own way… And I can be very nasty...
Thanks to Mr. Whoever…

By the way, my dad did not tell me how much the budget is and how long will it takes… He just let me know that my saving in the bank is more than enough to cover the cost... =(

I stunned for a while…

As the day goes by, I realized something... This is not only an external "renovation" for my room... But it's also an internal "renovation" for me too...

To be continue…

Touchy

2005-08-27T09:12:00.000+08:00

“I love my boy friend & I’m a jealous person. I don’t like other girls to be close & sticky & touchy to him…”

“I love my girl friend very much. I don’t want other guys besides me to touch her as well…”

You may hear this kind of talk from you friends or maybe you share the same thoughts as well… But do you have any physical closeness with a friend of the opposite sex? Do you treat it as normal when you make physical contact with others? Or maybe you do enjoy the feeling of being touched… Or even fantasize about it…

Yah… Touching is one of the ways to show your love, concern, care, friendly to other people… How do you define touchy? Is there any clear-cut for that?

“Eh… Please take off your dirty hand…”?

Put a “Touch Me Not” sign?

Build a great wall around you?

Or???

We are a temple of the Holy Spirit. We are not our own. We are bought at a price. Therefore honor God with our body… (2 Corinthian 6:19-20)

Get your motive right!
Guard your heart!
Treat other people as what you want them to treat you… =)

You won’t know one of them might be your future spouse? =P

Sunny @ Broken me...

2005-08-08T16:04:00.000+08:00

Yeah... Sunny day...
Thank God for the sun & the sunburn that I have on my face...

Moody? Nope...
Blur? Don't think so...
Sattle? No idea...

Just don't want to mention anymore...

Disappointed?
Turn the other chick...
Walk the second miles...

Frustrated?
Fruit of the spirit...
Be patience...

Tired?
Soak in Spiritual SPA...
Enjoy His creature...
Thank Him the breath that I take...

Hope?
In Him, but not other things...

Dreams?
Been broken...
Selfless me...
Live for Him...

Strength?
Not my own, but His arm...

Trust?
No, no...
50%???
Need sometime...

I got no idea what do You want me to do... But this broken life of mine, it's belong to You now...

Moody? Mixed Feeling? Irritation?

2005-08-07T21:09:00.000+08:00

It has been a moody day...
Lazy, don't feel like going home, wanna eat Japanese food, eat ice-cream, watch movie, go shopping...
Among these all, I manage to eat Japanese food & ice-cream...
So, it's not a extremely bad day at all...

Went home, online... Been trapped by my curiosity...
Out of curiosity, I've found out something not so "pleasing to my eyes"...
Mood level been dropped down... Not only one level, but to the end of it...

"Why?" I've been asking myself. Even in my dream while having a nap...
Life, it seems to be something hard to me...
How can I wait until the end of the day?
How I wish that I can drown myself with dozen of works now...

Woke up, is it morning?
"Nope!" Sad to say…
Try to run away... Don't want to think about it...
But the problem still remains there... I can't run away from it...

Did I do my part? Did I run out of the boundary? Or I'm just a specimen of this "Life Experiment Project"?
I'm trying to think of the good of you, what you've done in the past...
Ya... Maybe I've misunderstood your intention...

Hey, how I wish that I can leave this place...
Just disappear now...
Wish that what I'm doing now, it's all in my dream...
Haha...

Ya... In another way, this is not my real life, right?
So whatever decision I make, I need to keep an account to my Big Fella...

Anyway, there won't be raining all the time. =)
Maybe tomorrow is a sunny day?
No one knows... Even the wisest man in the entire world...

Yeah... That the other part of me!
Although 1/5 of my years are in a moody mode, but there's always backup with "looking forward", "have hope for future"...
I think it's a gift for simple minded people like me... =D

What’s the purpose of this life of mine? Ya… I know the theological answers, but it’s quite blur, without your revelation…
Walk by faith, I though I am, all the while… But I realize that I’m at the other level of the test now...

One step at a time... It's always easy to say than to work on it...
But I'll try... =P Thx for this phrase... You know who you are...

=)

Keh-po @ ME =P

2005-08-07T16:32:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm too "keh-po". I shouldn't be so curious... Now I realized, "Don't let your curiousity trap you." But I can't stop myself. I just want to know what have been going on in the past...

Ya, sometime you may feel dissapointed & hurt when you found out the truth or maybe something that you're not suppose to know... All the while, you might though that everything is going well, seems okay, or something that will bring a smile to you when you though of what will happen in future...

But, in reality it doesn't often turn out to be what you wish... So, just put the blame on your stupid, creative & wild imagination...

All the while I've put in lots of effort & time, are they waisted? Those little suprises & the joy that I found, are they fade? Or am I running the one man show? Did I allow my emotions to take place?

Who can I blame? Sorry la... That's what I can say. I really feel like giving up already... I don't have anymore strength to play around... Yup, this may be an important stage for me in order to grow, but I really really cannot take it anymore... I really need the BIG GUY...

WHERE R U???

Where are YOU? Tell me, please...

Yup, I can survive without you, you & you... But I can't survive without my BIG GUY...

Thank you, dear...

2005-07-21T01:25:00.000+08:00

I won't be able to make it,
if you wasn't there with me...
I won't be able to reach the finishing line,
if you wasn't there to push me, to direct me...
I won't be able to be Me,
if we never met...
I won't be able to love you,
if you didn't give your life for me...

I love you, because you first loved me...
I'm here today, because you were there that day...
The priceless price you gave for such a worthless person like me,
make me amazed at your great love & the sacrifice you've made ...
And now, I'm not worth more than a silver or a gold,
but more than any other treasure in the world...

Because of you, I'm here today...
Because of you, I've learn what is love and how to love...
Because of you, I know, I'm a precious jewel... An apple of your eyes...
I really wish that I'm not who I am, but I'm who you want me to be...

It's good to be loved, to be in love, and to love someone...
I'm thankful that I still got these feelings...
Even though I thought there's no true love in this world long time ago...
And I thought that I don't know how to love anymore...

Am I ready to do more than what I'm suppose to do now?
I got no idea... I'm not sure...
Is this the time for me to do more for you?
I wish it is...
Can I?
I wish I can...
But not with my own strength & desire....
But with your promises & your favour...

Friends - She, Him & Me

2005-07-03T02:57:00.000+08:00

I used to be very close to this young lady... Although we don’t look alike, we don’t have same interest & same personality, but we use to like a same guy...

When I first realize that she like the same guy as me, I feel quite shock. But I started to accept it... Both of them are my best friend. I can’t afford to loose either one of them... Besides, he’s not my boy friend... So, there the story goes...

We used to talk about him with lots of excitements... As you know, women can get wild when the start talking about the things they like...

After some time, we seldom see each other anymore. Both of us were busy for our own life...

... ...

As time goes on, we were drowning in our separate world. In my heart, they are always my best friends.

... ...

Recently, I found out that she no longer keep in touch with that guy anymore. She doesn’t even care about him as a friend. I feel sad about that...

Human can be change
Life won’t be the same
Relationship can be broken
No one stay the same all the while

Your sacrifices & helps
Other people may not appreciate them
Value what you are having now
Cos’ you won’t know what will happen for the next seconds

The girl - We still keep in touch…
The guy - We are in a relationship now…
Me - In love with that guy, but hoping that 3 of us can remain as good friends…

Dare to Dream for Him

2005-06-18T21:35:00.000+08:00

相片里，儿时的模样
记录着，年少的时光
曾经在你我的心中
要登上月亮，要飞跃太平洋

多年后，我们都成长
告别了青涩和迷惘
曾经在你我的心中
編製的梦想，是否已遗忘

人生的理想，是为主发光
拭去了泪水使我们更坚强
路依然漫长，别失去盼望
痛苦是记得有主在你身旁

为主来梦想，为主来发光
虽然有挫折，但我不用沮伤
主是我力量，主指引方向
我们的日子有梦想
有灿烂的阳光

This World Is Not My Home

2005-06-18T21:16:00.000+08:00

I've told you earlier...
That this world is not my home...
When you put too much effort in it, it's harder for you to let go...

We're not in the same world & also not from the same world...
We shouldn't be together... As I've told you when we first meet...

But I really can't let our relationship just stop like that...
I know that I'll regrad one day... For sure...

Just want to tell you,
"I love you, but I need your shoulder to rest my head..."

Me...

############################################################################################

I love you before you realize that you've fall in love with me...
I'm there for you whenever you need me...

I won't promise you for the things that I can't do, but whatever promises I've made, I'll fulfill them...

When you cry, I'll wipe your tears...
When you talk, I'll listen...
But when I wispher... Did you recognise my still small voice?

Just trust in me, cos' I got a better place for you to go...

Him...

...I know...

2005-01-25T08:15:00.000+08:00

I'm not alone...
I'm not the only 1...
At least, someone is with me...
I know...

There's no one in my room
Only the sound of the air-corndition
But I know,
You're there...

Time flies,
Busy street
No one will stop and wait for you...
But I know,
You're the one who's in control...

Lost...
In the cross road of the jungle
No one knows where's the right way to go,
But I know...
Surely you're with me...
Wherever I go...